Them Crusty Cougars

Student 1: Hey Miss, do you know Verda Bridges?

Me: Who?

Student 1: Verda Bridges. From House Party. (He shows me a picture)

Me: Oh yeah, I know her face.

Student 1: Why does she always play a hooker?

Me (laughing): She doesn’t, but she’s usually sassy, right?

Student 1: She fiiiiiiiiine!

Me: Sweetie, you know she’s probably old enough to be your grandmother!

Student 1 (wide-eyed, shocked, franticly googling her name)

Me (Smiling): Well?

Student 1 (appalled): She’s 53. She was born in 1961. NINE-teen SIXTY-ONE.

Student 2 (laughing hysterically): She’s as old as my grandma!

Me: I told you!

Student 1: (still in stunned silence)

Student 1 (coming to a slow epiphany): Well, I guess so. She don’t look her age… she musta had that plastic surgery.

Me: Well, maybe. But maybe she just has a young fa–

Student 3 (playfully disgusted): Whatever Miss, she be older than my Granny, [Student 1] be grinding on some old ass–yuck!

Me: Hey!

Student 3: Sorry, Miss. (thoughtful for a moment) So, [Student 1] be liking them crusty cougars, hmm?

I got your back!

Today, one of my seniors referred to me as “like my 2nd mom” because “we’ve been through some shit together” at the soccer game. After scowling at him for his language, I responded with an “awwww” and put my hand over my heart. He quickly retorted, “That was not a compliment, Miss.” To which I said, “Whatever, I’m going to accept it and own it with all my heart.” He rolled his eyes and looked away lol. He then completely lambasted another boy for saying something mildly unsportsmanlike and then looked at me and said, “I got your back, Miss, just like you got mine.”

A quick shout-out

A quick shout out to the cute construction worker dude with a beard driving a big black truck out in the middle of small-town Midwest.

I don’t really blame you for speeding up, and slowing down… speeding up, and slowing down… I’m sure my car dancing was wildly entertaining… but after about the third time, it might be a good idea to smile back. Just looking at me expressionless was a little anti-climatic.

I fully understand that my smile is dazzling and my in-the-car dance moves are amazing, so perhaps you were so enthralled that’s all you could manage.

Yes, I prefer that theory over the one where you’re a raging sociopath whose murderous tendencies were triggered by my off the chain choreography to 50’s on 5.

However, if the latter is true: I am relieved that you got off at an exit while we were still a hundred miles away from home, though worried you may target someone else, and peeved that of course you’re a sociopath. (I hope you didn’t memorize my license plate.)

Austenland

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At first, I couldn’t get into Austenland. Jane was too obsessed with Mr. Darcy which was a harsh reminder of my “enduring love” of Mr. Rochester. I, however, would never attend dating service at Bronteland.

Anyway.

I’m glad I stuck with it.  The story ended up being pretty engaging and the characters were real and funny. It was an interesting mix of Austen staples and modernity. If you ever wondered what it would be like to time travel back to Pemberley, I recommend this book.

I also watched the movie and enjoyed it more than the book… mostly because of JJ Feild, Bret McKenzie, and the ridiculously hilarious Jennifer Coolidge.

Pick Up

Student (showing me an address): Miss, do you know this city?

Me: Well, I’ve been there a few times.

Student: Oh. (Pause) Will you go there to pick up my phone if I buy it off Craig’s List?

Me: (Taken aback)

Student: (Quickly says) I’ll give you money for it.

Me: Since when did I become a relative?

Student: (Shrugs) Well, you know…

Me: (Smiling) You know, I might have considered it if you didn’t just take 40 minutes to complete 3 math problems!

Student: (Laughing) Miss!! You’re worser than my mother!

Me: (Grinning) I know, I know…