Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):
Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.
Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.
(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)
Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…
Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.
Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?
Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!
Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])
You were 80 minutes late to a 90 minute class, your participation points are gone, man, solid gone.
Yesterday morning, one of my students put his hand on my shoulder and said “thank you” for something I helped him with…
Me (smiling): So, you don’t hate me anymore??
Student (surprised): I don’t hate you, I never hated you.
Me: How soon we forget that you told me many times that you hated me!
Student (nods in acknowledgement, a little ashamed): I don’t hate you anymore.
This made my day for two reasons.
1.) It’s always nice when one less person hates you.
2.) This particular student was the first and only white kid to ever call me a “cracker bitch” (and he did so repeatedly). I feel like this is progress, indeed!
Student: I see you did something different with your hair again.
Student: It looks crazy!!
Me: Crazy bad?!
Student: No, crazy good!
Me (laughing): Thank y–
Student (very serious): Cuz you’re one of those that put effort into your hair sometimes…
Me: But not all the time, eh? (with a chuckle)
Student (still serious): Right, not all the time.
At the bottom of a reflection paragraph, a student wrote:
“P.S. I hate meth but [Mrs. Crumpett] makes it easier.”
Turns out, he didn’t mean to misspell “math.”
Senior male student: Hey, did you know there’s a hole in the chalkboard?
Me: Yeah, it’s been there for awhile.
Senior male student: And there’s another, it has two holes.
Junior male student: (uncontrollable giggling) Two holes!
Me and class: (rolling eyes in unison, just staring Junior down)
Junior male student: (still giggling)
Me: I thought we agreed that math was easier when you’re not high?
Junior male student: Yeah, but it’s not as fun!