She irritates me, too!

Teacher (teasing): You should try to lessen the stress in Mrs. Crumpett’s life.

Me: (Wild gesticulating, encouraging the student to agree)

Student (thinks about it for a minute): Nah. She irritates me, too!

Teacher: Touché.

Me (Laughing, to the teacher): See what I’m talking about?

 

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Chivalry is not dead

A student and I walked to the chicken place together for lunch. I got to the door first and opened it for him. He said, “Oh no! I’m supposed to do that for you!”

When we got our food, he insisted on carrying it all because, “My mama didn’t raise me to let a woman carry shit, not when I’m around to do it.”

My friends, chivalry is not dead. Chivalry is 14 years old.

The Non-Negotiables

We’re in the hallway near the Main Office. Student arrives to school 40 minutes late.

Me (looking at my watch): So glad you could make it to school, dude!

Student: Yeah, whatever, Miss… (turns to talk with his girlfriend).

Me (hiding a modicum of frustration behind a big grin): I know you’re only a LITTLE late and they probably haven’t started anything IMPORTANT, but doncha think you should go to CLASS?!

Student: Miss, you’re disturbing my conversation. It’s not your job to disturb my conversation.

Me: Excuse me, but I assure you that it IS in my contract. In very plain language it states, “Mrs. Crumpett is to disturb student conversations. This is a non-negotiable.”

Student: (can only stare)

 

I’m already a Rockstar!

Picture this: I’m walking quickly down the for once empty hallway. Students are all tucked into their classes, diligently working on their assignments…

All of a sudden, I hear this being screamed at me:

“MRS. CRUMPETT! YOUR HAIR!”

I turn, there’s no one there. However, I recognize the dulcet tones and know from whence this screech came…

Student: Miss! You painted your hair!

Me (grinning): No, I had it dyed. (Snickers from the rest of the class.)

Student: Let me touch it… I mean, let me look at it! (pause) Why didn’t you get that white stripe in the front?? Oh, you didn’t want to be too rockstar…

Me: Dude, I’m already a rockstar.

 

Isn’t it ironic?!

Me: So, where did you go instead of 4th hour last week?

Student: I got lost.

Me: You mean you went home?

Student: Of course not, Miss–(answers his phone)

Me: (annoyed expression, furious hand-gestures to put phone away)

Student: (waves at me and goes into the storage closet he calls “My Office”)

Me: (follows him into his “Office”)

Student: … yes, area code ###. Thank you, goodbye.

Me: (hands thrown up in the universal “What are you doing?!” way)

Student: It was Iowa. Ashley skipped again.

Me: What?!

Student: (slightly judging tone) I keep getting these calls from some school in Iowa. A girl named Ashley skips all the time. ALL the TIME, Miss.

Me: She sounds like you, dude.

Student: (laughing, shaking his head) I know, I know… I skip a lot, but she skips ALL THE TIME!

Me: (Laughing so hard, it takes me a minute to give my witty retort.)

Me: So… now you know how your mom would feel if she got the calls from school, instead of you being home to delete them before she gets home, eh?

Student (He wouldn’t look at me, but grinned as he rolled his eyes at the floor)

My Natural Color

Me: (stepping away from the podium)

Student: Damn, Miss! You shouldn’t wear that skirt!

Me (hastily checking to make sure it wasn’t tucked into my underwear): Why?!

Student (“like duh” expression): It’s too cold. Your legs are bare!

Me (smiling): I’m wearing black pantyhose, kiddo. My legs aren’t naturally this color.

Student: (thinks this is the funniest thing he’s ever heard for about 2 solid minutes)

The Punch

Student: Miss, what would happen if I punched you?

Me (thoughtful): Well, did you knock me out?

Student (taken aback): Um, yeah.

Me: Then I’d be passed out for awhile and I hope that someone else would call the office or security.

Student (nodding): … but what if I didn’t knock you out?

Me: Hmmm, are you only punching me?

Student (considering): Yes.

Me: Well, I’d try to get away and make sure you don’t punch anyone else. Then I would either hit the emergency button or go next door to contact security.

Student (nodding again): But what if you can’t do that?

Me (with a smile): Sweetie, I’m not going to punch you back.

Student (disappointed): Oh.