No High Five For You!

(Student talking to a staff person at the vending machine)

Me (interrupting them): C’mon, dude, class started 5 minutes ago!

Student: —I don’t like white girls.

Me (taken aback): That was not the response I was expecting…

Student: No, wait, I was talking to (staff person) not you! …High five, Miss (he raises his hand)

Me (look of disbelief): I’m not going to high five you not liking white girls, dude.

Student: But you’re the best, I love you, you know I love you…

(He kept on with his professions of love and declarations of my magnificent teaching as I walked away, shoulders shaking with the laughter that his classmates didn’t bother to hide…)

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Teacher’s Pet

Student: I’m the teacher’s pet.
(Minutes later)
Student: I’m the teacher’s pet.
(Minutes later)
Student: I’m the teacher’s pet.
Me (with a sigh): You know I’m oppositionally defiant–
Student (excited): Me too!!!
Me: –so when you tell me you ARE the teacher’s pet, I’m automatically going to make sure you ARE NOT…
Student (still glowing because his teacher is oppositionally defiant too)