On Fire!

(Student on her phone during lecture)

Me: [Student] please put your phone away.

(Student pretends to put it away, but is really still on it under the desk, I know this because the light from the phone is reflected on her glasses)

Me: [Student] I asked you to put your phone away already…

Student (innocently): I’m not on it!

Me: Really? So your crotch has a neon blue light??

Student (literally rolling on the floor laughing): I’m dead!! You on fire today!


Ass Music

{“Hallelujah I Love Her So” playing}
Student: You need to turn off this ass music.
Me (incredulous): You think Ray Charles is ass music?!
Student: Yeah. Ass music. It needs to get turned off.
Me (after a slight pause): When you become a teacher, you can play whatever kinda music you want.
Student (considering): OK, that seems fair.


Math is a Waste of Time

Bad attitude student: Why are we wasting all this time on this long problem? [factoring a quadratic where A>1]

Me: Buckle up, buttercup. This is Algebra 2, we’re going to be doing problems that take much longer and involve multiple pages!

Bad attitude student: <Harrumph>

Good student: (Giggling) She said buttercup!

Who left me in charge?

Me: My dog’s name is…
Student 1: [his name]!
Student 2: What kind of dog is he?
Me: Remember, you met him.
Student 2: Oh the small one?
Me: Yep.
Student 2: The wiener dog, right? I love wiener dogs!
Student 3: Will you bring him to school again?
Me: Yes.
Student 2: How big is he?
Me: About 16 pounds.
Student 2: Oh, you have a little wiener!!
Me: (a snort/laugh that I then had to try to cover as a cough because I was the only one who thought it was funny)