Bad attitude student: Why are we wasting all this time on this long problem? [factoring a quadratic where A>1]
Me: Buckle up, buttercup. This is Algebra 2, we’re going to be doing problems that take much longer and involve multiple pages!
Bad attitude student: <Harrumph>
Good student: (Giggling) She said buttercup!
Me: My dog’s name is…
Student 1: [his name]!
Student 2: What kind of dog is he?
Me: Remember, you met him.
Student 2: Oh the small one?
Student 2: The wiener dog, right? I love wiener dogs!
Student 3: Will you bring him to school again?
Student 2: How big is he?
Me: About 16 pounds.
Student 2: Oh, you have a little wiener!!
Me: (a snort/laugh that I then had to try to cover as a cough because I was the only one who thought it was funny)
My new goal in life is to make sure all my students can spell “rapping” correctly. That way no future teacher or employer will think he thinks one of his “best qualities” is sexual assault.
A student just guessed that I’m turning 59 in two weeks, and he wonders why I won’t consider his music requests…
Seeing a full moon Sunday night:
Most people: “Oh how beautiful!”
Teachers: “Shit’s about to get real!”
The look you give a kid when you’re trying to apologize to him for “going all crazy on” him but all he can do is avoid eye contact and giggle.
Me: I have something I need to tell you.
Student 1: You’re pregnant.
Me: What?! Why would that be the thing I need to tell you?!
Student 1: Well, you love us.
Me: True, but wait a minute… yesterday, you said I was getting smaller and now you think I’m pregnant?!
Student 1: Hey, stranger things have happened.
Me: OK, let’s try it this way. I have some bad news–
Student 2: You have cancer!
Student 3: Hey, don’t put that out there!
Me: No, I don’t have cancer, geez.
Student 2: WHAT IS IT MISS????
Me: Guys, I hate to tell you this, but I’m not perfect…
Student 3: DUH!!
Student 2 (not impressed): THAT’S what you wanted to tell us?!
Student 1: No one’s perfect.
Student 4: We all know you’re not perfect, Miss.
Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):
Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.
Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.
(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)
Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…
Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.
Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?
Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!
Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])