Math is a Waste of Time

Bad attitude student: Why are we wasting all this time on this long problem? [factoring a quadratic where A>1]

Me: Buckle up, buttercup. This is Algebra 2, we’re going to be doing problems that take much longer and involve multiple pages!

Bad attitude student: <Harrumph>

Good student: (Giggling) She said buttercup!


Who left me in charge?

Me: My dog’s name is…
Student 1: [his name]!
Student 2: What kind of dog is he?
Me: Remember, you met him.
Student 2: Oh the small one?
Me: Yep.
Student 2: The wiener dog, right? I love wiener dogs!
Student 3: Will you bring him to school again?
Me: Yes.
Student 2: How big is he?
Me: About 16 pounds.
Student 2: Oh, you have a little wiener!!
Me: (a snort/laugh that I then had to try to cover as a cough because I was the only one who thought it was funny)

It Never Was a Secret

Me: I have something I need to tell you.
Student 1: You’re pregnant.
Me: What?! Why would that be the thing I need to tell you?!
Student 1: Well, you love us.
Me: True, but wait a minute… yesterday, you said I was getting smaller and now you think I’m pregnant?!
Student 1: Hey, stranger things have happened.
Me: OK, let’s try it this way. I have some bad news–
Student 2: You have cancer!
Student 3: Hey, don’t put that out there!
Me: No, I don’t have cancer, geez.
Student 2: WHAT IS IT MISS????
Me: Guys, I hate to tell you this, but I’m not perfect…
Student 3: DUH!!
Student 2 (not impressed): THAT’S what you wanted to tell us?!
Student 1: No one’s perfect.
Student 4: We all know you’re not perfect, Miss.


Teacher Problems

Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):

Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.

Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.

Duct Tape

(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)

Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…

Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.

Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?

Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!

Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])