Student 1: (derisively) You know he only likes white girls, right?
Student 2: (as if talking to a child) I guess that’s OK since I’m a white girl…
A student just guessed that I’m turning 59 in two weeks, and he wonders why I won’t consider his music requests…
The look you give a kid when you’re trying to apologize to him for “going all crazy on” him but all he can do is avoid eye contact and giggle.
Student: What you get for lunch, Miss Sarah?
Me: Chicken from that wing’s place.
Student: Why you go there?
Me: Because I love chicken!
Student: It’s cuz you Black.
Student: Chicken is good.
Me: I have something I need to tell you.
Student 1: You’re pregnant.
Me: What?! Why would that be the thing I need to tell you?!
Student 1: Well, you love us.
Me: True, but wait a minute… yesterday, you said I was getting smaller and now you think I’m pregnant?!
Student 1: Hey, stranger things have happened.
Me: OK, let’s try it this way. I have some bad news–
Student 2: You have cancer!
Student 3: Hey, don’t put that out there!
Me: No, I don’t have cancer, geez.
Student 2: WHAT IS IT MISS????
Me: Guys, I hate to tell you this, but I’m not perfect…
Student 3: DUH!!
Student 2 (not impressed): THAT’S what you wanted to tell us?!
Student 1: No one’s perfect.
Student 4: We all know you’re not perfect, Miss.
Me: I really try to be nice.
Student: You are nice.
Me: Oh good, my acting classes are working!
Me (listening to “You make me feel like a Natural Woman”)
Student (walking in the room right before lunch is over) Who is singing?
Me: Aretha Franklin
Student: Hmmm. (pause) She has a really good voice.
Me: She’s the Queen of Soul.
Student: Really? I’ll have to check her out.
Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):
Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.
Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.
(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)
Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…
Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.
Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?
Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!
Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])