Facebook Stalker

Student: I found you on Facebook last night.
Me: (sigh) Oh, great.
Student: You really love your brother. You had a picture of him for his birthday.
Me: Stalker much?
Student: I’m not a stalker!
(Pause)
Student: You have a really cute dog.
Me: Such a stalker! (to another student) He’s a Facebook stalker, right?
Student 2: (nods)
Student: (a bit whiny) I’m not a stalker!
Me and class: 

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Staying after school

Student: Imma stay after today.
Me: I have a staff meeting. You can stay in my room and I can work with you later…
Student: OK, I can do that (walking toward me, and then away from me)
Me: Where are you going?
Student: I’m afraid you’re going to punch me!
Me: What?!
Student: For lying to you.
Me: About…
Student: Staying after school.
Me: So, you’re not staying after school today??
Student: I am today, but all the other days I don’t stay.
Me: (pause) Well, you know, when you don’t show up, I just sit at my desk and cry for a half hour.
Student: (sincerely) Don’t cry!
Me: 
Student (to class): See! She’s laughing and she’s angry! Everyone watch out!
Me: