Everyone’s a Critic

Student: I see you did something different with your hair again.
Me: Yep.
Student: It looks crazy!!
Me: Crazy bad?!
Student: No, crazy good!
Me (laughing): Thank y–
Student (very serious): Cuz you’re one of those that put effort into your hair sometimes…
Me: But not all the time, eh? (with a chuckle)
Student (still serious): Right, not all the time.

Two Holes

Senior male student: Hey, did you know there’s a hole in the chalkboard?
Me: Yeah, it’s been there for awhile.
Senior male student: And there’s another, it has two holes.
Junior male student: (uncontrollable giggling) Two holes!
Me and class: (rolling eyes in unison, just staring Junior down)
Junior male student: (still giggling)
Me: I thought we agreed that math was easier when you’re not high?
Junior male student: Yeah, but it’s not as fun!

Angry or Flattered?!

One of my younger students walked into my room, grabbed my upper arm, and then jiggled my arm fat for a few seconds. Before I could ask him to stop he said, “Wow, you’ve lost weight!”

Am I angry or flattered?! lol

X Gone Give It To Ya

If the kids are crazy all day, then I usually binge DMX on the ride home.

I have a sinking suspicion that the next time a kid tells me, “That’s not what [old teacher] told us…”

“Fuck what you’ve heard, it’s what you’re hearing, Listen!” is going to fly outta my mouth…

Going Hoing

Me (to coworker): Are you feeling better?
Co-worker: Not really.
Student: Oh, are you two [indecipherable to me] this weekend?
Co-worker (laughs)
Student: Oh, she doesn’t know what that means.
Me: So, what does it mean.
Student: It means going hoing.
Me (eyes widen): What?
Student (quickly): That means going out and getting phone numbers.
Me: (laughing) I know what hoing means and it certainly doesn’t have much to do with phone numbers.

{pause}

Me: But yeah, I go hoing every weekend. Who doesn’t?

No High Five For You!

(Student talking to a staff person at the vending machine)

Me (interrupting them): C’mon, dude, class started 5 minutes ago!

Student: —I don’t like white girls.

Me (taken aback): That was not the response I was expecting…

Student: No, wait, I was talking to (staff person) not you! …High five, Miss (he raises his hand)

Me (look of disbelief): I’m not going to high five you not liking white girls, dude.

Student: But you’re the best, I love you, you know I love you…

(He kept on with his professions of love and declarations of my magnificent teaching as I walked away, shoulders shaking with the laughter that his classmates didn’t bother to hide…)

Just Visiting

Student I used to kick out all the time sees me in the hall, screams my name, and rushes over to bear hug me.

Laughing, I said, “Oh, you’re nice to me now that I don’t work here?!”

She looks shocked, leans away, and says, “You mean you didn’t come back to stay??”

I smile, “No, hon. I’m just visiting–”

Student quickly turns and runs away from me without another word.