A student just guessed that I’m turning 59 in two weeks, and he wonders why I won’t consider his music requests…
Me: I have something I need to tell you.
Student 1: You’re pregnant.
Me: What?! Why would that be the thing I need to tell you?!
Student 1: Well, you love us.
Me: True, but wait a minute… yesterday, you said I was getting smaller and now you think I’m pregnant?!
Student 1: Hey, stranger things have happened.
Me: OK, let’s try it this way. I have some bad news–
Student 2: You have cancer!
Student 3: Hey, don’t put that out there!
Me: No, I don’t have cancer, geez.
Student 2: WHAT IS IT MISS????
Me: Guys, I hate to tell you this, but I’m not perfect…
Student 3: DUH!!
Student 2 (not impressed): THAT’S what you wanted to tell us?!
Student 1: No one’s perfect.
Student 4: We all know you’re not perfect, Miss.
Me (listening to “You make me feel like a Natural Woman”)
Student (walking in the room right before lunch is over) Who is singing?
Me: Aretha Franklin
Student: Hmmm. (pause) She has a really good voice.
Me: She’s the Queen of Soul.
Student: Really? I’ll have to check her out.
Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):
Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.
Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.
(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)
Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…
Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.
Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?
Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!
Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])
You were 80 minutes late to a 90 minute class, your participation points are gone, man, solid gone.
At the bottom of a reflection paragraph, a student wrote:
“P.S. I hate meth but [Mrs. Crumpett] makes it easier.”
Turns out, he didn’t mean to misspell “math.”
One of my younger students walked into my room, grabbed my upper arm, and then jiggled my arm fat for a few seconds. Before I could ask him to stop he said, “Wow, you’ve lost weight!”
Am I angry or flattered?! lol
[In the middle of instructing the class on how to graph quadratics, a young man pipes up] “You know, I’ve only shit myself once in my life.”