Those kind of hugs

I love it when one of your long shot kiddos discovers he can graduate this May and I’m the first one he tells. Those kinds of hugs are the cat’s-fucking-pajamas.


Ass Music

{“Hallelujah I Love Her So” playing}
Student: You need to turn off this ass music.
Me (incredulous): You think Ray Charles is ass music?!
Student: Yeah. Ass music. It needs to get turned off.
Me (after a slight pause): When you become a teacher, you can play whatever kinda music you want.
Student (considering): OK, that seems fair.


It Never Was a Secret

Me: I have something I need to tell you.
Student 1: You’re pregnant.
Me: What?! Why would that be the thing I need to tell you?!
Student 1: Well, you love us.
Me: True, but wait a minute… yesterday, you said I was getting smaller and now you think I’m pregnant?!
Student 1: Hey, stranger things have happened.
Me: OK, let’s try it this way. I have some bad news–
Student 2: You have cancer!
Student 3: Hey, don’t put that out there!
Me: No, I don’t have cancer, geez.
Student 2: WHAT IS IT MISS????
Me: Guys, I hate to tell you this, but I’m not perfect…
Student 3: DUH!!
Student 2 (not impressed): THAT’S what you wanted to tell us?!
Student 1: No one’s perfect.
Student 4: We all know you’re not perfect, Miss.


New Fan

Me (listening to “You make me feel like a Natural Woman”)
Student (walking in the room right before lunch is over) Who is singing?
Me: Aretha Franklin
Student: Hmmm. (pause) She has a really good voice.
Me: She’s the Queen of Soul.
Student: Really? I’ll have to check her out.

Teacher Problems

Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):

Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.

Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.

Duct Tape

(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)

Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…

Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.

Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?

Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!

Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])