For some reason, I thought that teaching would be more glamorous. Sure. There is some notoriety. I never know who I will run into (a colleague? a student? a parent?) every time I venture out of my classroom or home… or even out of my state! All that aside, I really thought that being a teacher would bring at least a little boost to my social life. Reality: my friends are mostly my colleagues and if we aren’t all going out (talking about our classroom drama the entire time) then we’re bragging about how early we tried to go to bed the night before. It’s 6:50PM right now and I’m 80% in bed and asleep already!
Scenario 1– Student looks quizzically at Teacher during a lecture.
Teacher response: “Do you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth?!”
(Note-Teacher must expect the student(s) to respond with “No one understands that words that are comin’ outta your mouth!!”)
Scenario 2– Student pushes the line, part I.
Teacher response: “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?”
(Note-Teacher is not recommended to try this line if student has a weapon. If no weapon is visible, teacher could also follow this line with “Well, do ya, punk?”)
Scenario 3– Student pushes the line, part II.
Teacher response: “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
(Note-Teacher should expect at least one of the following reactions: a. “You know that movie?!” b. Several minutes of eye contact while student waits for Teacher to turn green. c. Student pushes harder to make Teacher turn green.
Scenario 4– Student is chooses test option ‘d’ which reads, ‘do not choose d’ (or any other exasperating behavior).
Teacher response: “You’re killin’ me, Smalls!”
(Note-This response is perfect for students with the last name Small, but can be used on students with any last name; not recommended for conversations with the vertically-challenged.)
Student: “Miss, no one helped me when you were gone!”
Me: “Did you ask for help?”
Me: “Well, you have to ask for help!”
Student: “Ok, thanks Mrs. Crumpett.”
Me: “Who’s Mrs. Crumpet?”
Student: “You, miss!”
Me: “No, that’s not my name…?!”
Student: “Yes, it is!”
Me: “No, hon, I think I know my name and it’s not Crumpett!”
Student: “Then what is it?”
Me: “Miss [My Real Name].”
Student: “Oh, that doesn’t sound like Crumpett!”
Me: “I know!!”
I’ve been known by many names; some not all that polite. I even had a middle schooler call me Mrs. Banana for entire semester — but I am still Mrs. Crumpett to the young man above. I had to show him two forms of I.D. before he realized his error, but he’s never called me anything else. He graduates next year and I’m a little scared (and let’s face it, not-so-secretly pleased) that he’s going to yell “Hi Mrs. Crumpett!” as he walks across the stage.
Speaking of I.D.’s… If you know who I am, who I really am, I ask you to keep it to yourself. Like Mathnet, “The names are made up, but the problems are real” so please help me to protect everyone’s privacy. I thank you and my students thank you.