Dark Humor

This kid! I chuckled despite myself.

Age is just a number!

Student: Are you 79 or 82?

Me (not missing a beat): I assume you’re asking for my birth year and not my age… it’s 1981.

Student: Thanks.

I don’t feel tardy…

Reasons to be absent from/late to class. All from one student, all given to me today within a two hour time period:

– But I didn’t want to go where she sent me.
– But I didn’t want to see you.
– But I had to finish my lunch.
– But I had to chew slowly so I wouldn’t get indigestion.
– But I didn’t want to pass gas in the classroom (thank you!)
– But I had a pass from the SRO.
– But well you see, this is what happened, you know how it is…
– But I got kicked in the balls.

Like a Rolling Stone

There’s a certain amount of satisfaction a teacher experiences when a student who has regularly cussed her out, finally tells a different teacher to “Fuck off.”

It’s gon’ be a good day!

Kids kicking themselves out of class is the best.

Cockblock

Student 1 (creating a math game): What do you call something that prevents the character from doing something?

Student 2 (loud, with confidence): A cockblock!

Class:

Me (finally able to stop laughing): Or… you could call it that character’s “kryptonite.”

U.S. Presidents – Not in Order

Have I told you lately how much I enjoy teaching Government this semester?!

Weird.

Student: (running away from me)

Me: Why are you running away from me?!

Student: I’m scared of your Terminator arm!

Bellwork

I used this meme as bellwork for all my math classes last week. Here are some of their responses:

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roasted hamster with gravy and a side of ice cream and for dessert sock

If your eating a apple and your mirror crack, 10 water bottles hit ur head, who took the remote?

if you run to the corner store for tortillas and end up walking out with a water bottle and on your way home a plane swings by and cuts off your baby toe, how much was your phone bill??

If you’re driving down a road, and your surfboard looses a wheel, how many ants were seen in the living room?

If you have 35 apples and your friend gives you 15 Ford F-150s, how much mulch is in the state of Arkansas?

yo if Johnny has π bicycles, and the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is θ, how dense is Kepler 16-B

If your on the soccer – basketball arena. and it is the 4 inning with 8 : minutes lef on the clock but your on the basket ball field who passing it to yg 4 hunnid gangsta or 2b or $5h. who would win ?

If you’re driving your car at 50 mph and the roof comes off and hits a goat 6 miles away, how much sugar will you need?

if johnny has 19 bottles of dish soap and i have 2 brain cells left then where did i leave my keys?

when mixing your flour, gravy comes in at about 35mph, so you’d need 6 hamsters to bake a pie

Well, to repaint your hamster you would first need to get a paint brush, but once you see that paint brush is made of fingers, you will die.

(I did not change any of the spelling or grammar.)

Picture this, Philadelphia 1776…

Me: What else was significant about the 2nd Continental Congress?

Student: That gorgeous photograph?

Me: Yeah, that’s not a photo, babe.