Student: Man, my stomach hurts (he writhes at his desk).
Me: What’s wrong?
Student: Man, it only hurts when I’m in this room!
Me: Oh, you like math that much?
Student (attempts to laugh, still writhing)
Me: I know what it is. You’re afraid of me, so your stomach is in knots.
Me: I bet I’m the only one you’re scared of.
Student: (laughing), Nah, nah…
Me: Seriously, it would be super handy if you all did spread it around that [Student] is scared of me, though!
I never knew Geometry contained so many sexual innuendoes until my class became obsessed with “that’s what she said.” 🤦♀️
My voice is shot. When I try to talk without straining anything, I look like I’m trying to communicate with ghosts or animals. The one time I tried yelling (at a student, of course!) it came out like a boy’s puberty stricken, hormone-cracked stage whisper!
3rd hour students: …because we’re your favorite class!
Me: True, but why doesn’t my best class bring me coffee?
3rd hour students (look around at each other): 🤷♀️
Me: Seriously, the kid who told me to burn in hell is the only one to ever bring me coffee. That ain’t right!!
It’s test day. I have all student cellphones in my desk. A student’s phone is ringing off the hook, he is sitting near me, looking worried. I look at his phone and tell him he missed dozens of messages from “Babygirl.” He kinda freaks out, so…
Me: Dude, just tell her your teacher took your phone.
Student (serious): I can’t do that. I’ll just tell her it was on vibrate and I was busy, so I didn’t hear it.
Me (laughing): Oh, it’s weak to have your teacher take your phone?!
Student (half smile): Yeah.
Me (laughing harder): Are you serious? Teachers take phones all the time, I think she’ll understand (he shakes his head). Ok, tell her the teacher is this huge 6’4″ dude that outweighs you by like 100 pounds and since you can’t take him, you gave him your phone.
Student (laughing): Nah…
Me (suddenly very serious): But if you tell her that *I* outweigh you by 100 pounds I will hunt you down and, well, you know…
Student (equally serious): Yeah, I know.