The Joys of Online Learning

Me: Is your brother joining us today?

Student: (turns the camera around to show me his brother passed out in his bed)

Me: Are you joining the meeting here to embarrass him?!

Student: No. I didn’t want to find another outlet.

Me: 🙄

Student: He’s not going to wake up…

Me: Well, if he was asleep in class, I wouldn’t count him absent, so I guess we’re good!


A kid accidentally called me “motherfucker” today.

Me: I am not your mother and I am not a fucker.

Student (mortified): I’m so sorry, Miss Lady Teacher Ma’am!!

Me (laughing): Dude, you know my name!

Student (also laughing): I know, [Mrs. Crumpett].

Me: You’d think that someone with such an aversion to work would just call me one name… instead of using four!

Student (laughing, and then slowly): Ooooooooh! You right!

Me: 😂

Not Physically

Student: I don’t like you. I mean, I like you but I don’t. (getting frustrated, and louder) I MEAN, I DON’T LIKE YOU PHYSICALLY.

Class (snickering)

Me: That’s cool, I’m OK with that.

Student (turning red, but also laughing): That’s not what I meant. I mean I don’t know why I like you. You’re strict. Usually I think teachers like you are (suddenly whispering) bitches. (Back to normal volume) Really, I don’t know why I like you!

Me: It’s because I’m hilarious.

Euphemism vs. Euthanasia

Me: My favorite assignment and yours, write me one page about your summer and include at least three examples of how you used math.

Student 1: (shows me the first paragraph she’s written)

Me: (to her) You can’t write “I measured the weed I wanted to smoke” in a school assignment. (to the class) Again, guys, writing about an illegal activity – any illegal activity – is not school appropriate. If you’re really stuck, use a euphemism. Do you guys know what a euphemism is? It is kind of like “a nice way” of saying something bad.

Student 2: Is that like euthanasia?

Me: No, not even close. Euthanasia is when you have your dog put down because it is too sick, like a mercy killing.

Student 2: Ok, so if I compliment someone, I can say I euthanized them?

Me (stunned silence for a second): No, that means you killed them. A euphemism is “a nice way” of saying something, not “saying something nice.”

Student 3: Like a synonym?

Me: Sure.

Student 2 (after a few minutes of silence, stands up and pulls the side of his shorts down a few inches): Hey, look at my weed underwear!

Me: 🤦‍♀️