What a *good* day…

I am not a teacher, I do not like kids, and I’m going to bed at 5pm like a muthafuckin’ rockstar.

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Staying after school

Student: Imma stay after today, [My Name] Mob.
Me: I have a staff meeting. You can stay in my room and I can work with you later…
Student: OK, I can do that (walking toward me, and then away from me)
Me: Where are you going?
Student: I’m afraid you’re going to punch me!
Me: What?!
Student: For lying to you.
Me: About…
Student: Staying after school.
Me: So, you’re not staying after school today??
Student: I am today, but all the other days I don’t stay.
Me: (pause) Well, you know, when you don’t show up, I just sit at my desk and cry for a half hour.
Student: (sincerely) Don’t cry, [My Name] Mob!
Me: 
Student (to class): See! She’s laughing and she’s angry! Everyone watch out!
Me: 

A Teaching First

I’ve never had a student interpret “put your pencil away” as “stick your pencil down my cleavage” before… today. 😳

To clarify… she stuck her pencil down my shirt.

… Um … I always knew these boobs would be good for something someday… ?? 

Grading Highs

While grading one young lady’s math notebook, I noticed that she’d done about 5 assignments two or three times each.

I couldn’t figure out why and then on the last page I saw that she’d repeatedly written, “Bitch, cunts can’t pass blunts” and then it all started to make sense… 

No good, very bad day

In what world is it OK to skip math class to work on science class and then skip government to interrupt your math teacher’s other classes to get help on a concept you would’ve learned had you just stayed where you were supposed to?

In what world is it OK to be on your phone during a test, even if it’s “just to check the time” after the instructor has said repeatedly that being on your phone will result in a zero and then be shocked that your phone is taken and your test is thrown away?

In what world is it OK for you to walk into a room talking to someone you can’t see but once you do see, you see she’s clearly in an important meeting and yet you still continue talking as if you’re the most important person in the universe and then act all hurt when you’re politely asked to wait?

In what world is it OK to not label anything, pick random pages in a notebook to write notes and assignments, sometimes write upside down and backwards and yet still be shocked that your teacher refuses to grade it because you believe “there’s nothing wrong with my organizational skills?”

In what world does an entire class forget a procedure that they are asked to follow at the beginning of the hour E.V.E.R.Y. D.A.M.N. D.A.Y. only when said teacher has projected instructions but wasn’t physically in the room to verbally repeat them?

Asking for a friend. 

PSA to all teenagers everywhere:

If you say something like “why’s everyone on their period?!” in reference to how peers (and self, if he was honest) were acting all crazy, please expect to have your ass handed to you by a woman.

If you say horribly disrespectful things to another person out of no where based solely on your jealousy of said person, please do not be surprised when others do not take your side at all.

If you say “bring it” or “bring it bitch” to anyone, please expect it to be “brought” with a vengeance. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t ask for it, right?

Definition of Frustration

After being in class every day, a senior turned in a blank test today because (and I quote) “You never told me to take notes, so I didn’t have notes, so I don’t know anything on the test.”

I asked him to leave… and then polled the rest of the class. I do indeed tell them everyday to (and I quote) “write this down.”