No High Five For You!

(Student talking to a staff person at the vending machine)

Me (interrupting them): C’mon, dude, class started 5 minutes ago!

Student: —I don’t like white girls.

Me (taken aback): That was not the response I was expecting…

Student: No, wait, I was talking to (staff person) not you! …High five, Miss (he raises his hand)

Me (look of disbelief): I’m not going to high five you not liking white girls, dude.

Student: But you’re the best, I love you, you know I love you…

(He kept on with his professions of love and declarations of my magnificent teaching as I walked away, shoulders shaking with the laughter that his classmates didn’t bother to hide…)

Just Visiting

Student I used to kick out all the time sees me in the hall, screams my name, and rushes over to bear hug me.

Laughing, I said, “Oh, you’re nice to me now that I don’t work here?!”

She looks shocked, leans away, and says, “You mean you didn’t come back to stay??”

I smile, “No, hon. I’m just visiting–”

Student quickly turns and runs away from me without another word.

Marriage Material

Student 1: Would you get married someday?
Me: I try to never say never.
Student 1: So you want to get married?
Me: Is there someone specific you have in mind??
Student 2: [Male staff person’s name]
Student 1: JOHN CENA!!
Me (laughing): John Cena would be nice, but I think he’s already married.
Student 1: So if he wasn’t married, you’d marry him?
Me: Sure (hahaha). My first criteria for marriage has always been that he’s not already married.
Student 1 (very seriously): Me too.

Down in Africa

Student: I want to go to South Africa to see where I’m from.
Me: Are you sure your ancestors are from there?
Student: Well, I’m African American…
Me: (slowly) Africa is a big place, hon.
Student: I’ve tried doing that clicking language.
Me: (raised eyebrows)
Student: (made up clicking language)
Me: You just made that up.
Student: Yeah, I tried it on a couple of people that I thought were from Africa, but no one responded.
Me: (surprised laugh) Dude, that’s kinda rude… AND you do know that there are MANY languages spoken in Africa, right?!
Student: (pondering face)
Me: Before you make an expensive trip, maybe you should start with a DNA test…
Student (“that’s a good idea” look on his face)
Me: When I got my DNA tested, I discovered I’m <1% North African–
Student (practically shouting): You’re Not Black!
Me (dripping with sarcasm): Wow. I had no idea. I’ve lived these 30 odd years of my life not knowing I wasn’t black, but now–now that I’ve met you–I’m so glad you came into my life to give me this revelation.

Parody is the sincerest form of flattery?

I’ve been playing music during class lately. It’s been a big hit with the kids. Earlier this week, “Cherry Pie” came on, several in the class sang along. As a result, for the last few days, we’ve been regaled by a young man who’s belting out “She’s my chocolate bar, cool drink of Hershey’s or a Reese’s bar…”

Teacher’s Pet

Student: I’m the teacher’s pet.
(Minutes later)
Student: I’m the teacher’s pet.
(Minutes later)
Student: I’m the teacher’s pet.
Me (with a sigh): You know I’m oppositionally defiant–
Student (excited): Me too!!!
Me: –so when you tell me you ARE the teacher’s pet, I’m automatically going to make sure you ARE NOT…
Student (still glowing because his teacher is oppositionally defiant too)