Stinking beautiful moment

One afternoon, one of my students needed to take a moment to refocus. He didn’t know it, but I did. So I had him wait in the hallway while I continued the lesson. When I stepped out to check on him, the first thing I noticed was the god-awful smell… then I noticed the mischievous smile. “Aha,” thought I, he knows that I know that he knows, well, you know…

Anyway, I ask him if he can return to class. He didn’t have to answer, he scrambled so fast back into the room…. and he carried the aura with him.

As nonchalantly as possible, I continued teaching on the opposite side of the room and watched as the aroma wafted from one table to another. Suddenly, students perked up, alert, looking around… but miraculously silent. Quizzical glances, but no gag reflexes.

I’ve never been prouder of my class. Why, you ask? No one uttered an inappropriate comment. No one pointed fingers, no one poked fun, or overreacted with insults or profanity.

It was a truly beautiful moment that stunk to high heaven…


Public Nudity

Today the children are going to go home and tell their parents that Mrs. Crumpett doesn’t like to be naked in public.

Let me ‘splain.  No, it is too much.  Let me sum up…

It started at the beginning of 4th block, my co-teaching hour.  I was exhausted, but somehow sucked into the following dialogue:

Student: Who is Mrs. Smith?

Me: Who?

Student: From the movies, who is Mrs. Smith?

Me: Will Smith’s wife is Jada Pinkett Smith.

Student: No, not her.  Mrs. Smith.

Me: Jada Pinkett Smith is the only one I know.

(we went back and forth on this for awhile then suddenly…)

Student: The movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Me: Oh… you mean Angelina Jolie.

Student: Yeah.  When she came out of the wax do you think that would hurt?

Me: From the movie “Wanted?”  That wasn’t wax.

Student: Yes, it was.

Me: No, it wasn’t.  It was mud.  If it was wax, she would’ve died.

Student: Oh.  Well, mud then.  I don’t think I could do it.  Does that really happen? Do you do that?

Me: Yes, it really happens. No, I don’t like being naked in public.

At this point the entire class stopped and looked at me.  I thought we were having a relatively private conversation but it turned out that our conversation had gotten increasingly louder and in my exhaustion, I had raised my voice for the last line.  Silence lasted a few seconds and then we all erupted into raucous laughter… except the student I was talking to.  She did not understand why everyone was laughing.  My co-teacher and I were laughing so hard we were crying, so I had to gasp out my explanation.  She did not find it funny.



Me: Hey, why don’t you come sit over by me?

Student 1: Why?

Me: Because I want to talk to you.

Student 1: Why?

Me: Because I don’t get to talk to you much.

Student 1: Why?

Me: Because you’re pretty quiet and don’t usually sit next to me.

Student 1: Why?

Me: Probably because I am mean and smell bad.

Student 1 (laughing): Why?

Me: I don’t know, it was the way I was made.

Student 1: Why?

Me: God is cruel?

Student 1: Why?

Me: Well, I guess it depends on who or what you think God is.

Student 2 (feeling left out): Why?

Me: You know, if there is a God, is God good or cruel or whatever.

Student 1: Why?

Me: I’m not sure.

Student 2: Why?

Me: Because I wasn’t around back then.

Student 1: Why?

Me: Because I wasn’t born yet.

Student 2: Why?

Me: Because my parents didn’t have sex until 1979.

Student 1 (laughing): Why?

Me: I wasn’t there, but probably because they were in love.

Student 2 (laughing): Why?

Me: I don’t know.

Student 1: Why?

Me: Again, I wasn’t there.

Student 2: Why?

Me: Again, I wasn’t born yet.

Students 1 and 2 (snickering): Why?

Me: I think you know where this is going, gentlemen…

Best teacher in the world

(Two students stroll into my classroom)

Me: May I help you?

Them: Hello Miss.

Me: If you’re here to see Student A, then you can leave right now!

(Student A slides further down in his seat and hides his head behind his laptop)

Them: We’re here to see you, Miss!

Me: Oh yeah? What’s my name?

Them: Uh… Best teacher in the world!

(My class and I laugh raucously)

Me: Ahem, where is your pass?

Them: We didn’t need one.

Me: Oh yeah?

Them: Yeah. We said “We’re going to see the best teacher in the world.”

Me: And how’d that go over?

Them: Um… You have a great smile, Miss…


My brother’s got game

Me: … So what do we know about Brom Bones?

Student A: He don’t got no game!

Me: True, but Katrina Van Tassel doesn’t seem to care about that. So, what do we know about her?

Student B: She’s every kind of fool.

Me: Maybe, but who’s the competition?

Students: The ugly bird-beak man.

Me (chuckling): Yes, Ichabod Crane. She has to choose between a kinda stupid sexy mountain man and a kinda stupid ugly teach–

Student B: My brother could pull you, Miss!

Me: What??

Student B: Yeah, he could pull you and you wouldn’t even know.

Me: What are you talking about?!

Class: (Snickering)

Student B: My brother’s got game, Miss.

Me: So…

Student B: He’d pull you and you’d fall in love and you wouldn’t even know.

Me: Yeah, I don’t think so.

Class: (Louder snickering)

Student B: You don’t believe me? He’s got *game!*, Miss.

Me: Nope. Don’t see it happening.

Student B (getting defensive): Well, I’ll just bring him to school and prove you wrong!

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea…

Student B (with a ‘told-ya-so’ expression): Yeah, you get it now…

Me (smiling): No, I don’t think security will let him in–

Student B (offended): What?! He ain’t no thug!!

Me (unfazed): I don’t think security will let him in; they’ll ask him “What is your purpose for being here?” and all he’ll have to say is, “To pull Mrs. Crumpett.” And they’ll say, “Yeah… no… but thanks for trying!”

Student B: Yeah, I didn’t think of that…

Me: That’s why they pay me the big bucks!

Student B: Well, never-mind, I don’t want him to break your heart!

Me (big grin, mock offended): What? You think I can’t handle myself now?

Class and Student B: (Laughing)

Me: Alright, let’s move back to the story [we read together for awhile and then].

Student B: Miss, I have a question.

Me: Does it have to do with my personal life, love life, whether I can be pulled?

Student B: No.

Me: Does it have to do with the story?

Student B: Yes. (slight pause) Miss, have you ever had a boyfriend?

Class: (Laughing hard as my forehead thunks to my desk in mock resignation)

Giving Shakespeare a run for his money

“Largest Vocabulary in Hip-Hop” was a fascinating article… especially since we are finishing up a unit on Shakespeare and Hamlet.  The English language is so versatile and changeable; this makes it is both amazing and frustrating!

Too old for Miami

Student: Have you ever been to Florida, Miss?

Me: Yes, a few times.

Student: Did you go to Miami?

Me (smiling): No, I’m not much of a partier.

Student (with a serious expression): Yeah, you’re too old to party.

Me (laughing): I am not!

Student (after a moment of reflection): True, I was at this one party and there was a 69 year old woman throwing back Coronas and bustin’ up the dance floor.