A Quick Parody

♪♫ Hello laryngitis, my old friend
I can’t talk at all again
Because a virus softly creeping
Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping
And the virus that was planted
In my throat remains
Left with the sound of silence ♫♪

The Non-Negotiables

We’re in the hallway near the Main Office. Student arrives to school 40 minutes late.

Me (looking at my watch): So glad you could make it to school, dude!

Student: Yeah, whatever, Miss… (turns to talk with his girlfriend).

Me (hiding a modicum of frustration behind a big grin): I know you’re only a LITTLE late and they probably haven’t started anything IMPORTANT, but doncha think you should go to CLASS?!

Student: Miss, you’re disturbing my conversation. It’s not your job to disturb my conversation.

Me: Excuse me, but I assure you that it IS in my contract. In very plain language it states, “Mrs. Crumpett is to disturb student conversations. This is a non-negotiable.”

Student: (can only stare)

 

A Gilbert and Sullivan Win

Q: What do you do when it’s hella cold but school’s not cancelled so only a handful of students show up?

A: Have interesting conversations with them, find out that one senior is going to sing a “Pirates of Penzance” song for the next competition.

Q: What do you do when you find out that this student has chosen “Policeman’s Song” but has never seen the play/movie?

A: Find that sucker on YouTube and enjoy the gloriousness that is 1983, Kevin Kline, Angelia Lansbury, and Linda Ronstadt.

P.S. He loved it, so we also watched other clips, including the famous “Modern Major General.” He wants to watch the whole movie, so obviously I have accomplished the greatest thing ever and am done for the year. I said good day!

 

‘Nuff Said

There’s always a silver lining

I am going to need knee replacement surgery before I’m 40. Not because of some degenerative disease or terrible genes, but because I have really crappy balance and manage to trip and fall — knees first — onto hard pavement.

Today, I was walking two students out of the gym and I didn’t see this largish pebble. I stepped right on it, twisted my ankle, and down I went.

Silver lining? Actually, there are two.

First, honestly, I’m just glad I didn’t trip on air again. Second, I really had to go to the bathroom and I’m thrilled to announce that I did not wet myself.

He got a new job at the museum

Student: Miss! Miss!

Me: What? What?

Student: When can we visit [former teacher] at the museum??

Me: You know he’s not on exhibit, right?

Student (Crestfallen): Oh.

How long do you plan on teaching?

Telemarketer: How long do you plan on teaching?

Me: Until I die.

Telemarketer: When do you think you’ll stop teaching?

Me: Well, I don’t plan on dying anytime soon…?

Telemarketer: So more than 10 years?

Me: Hope so. Yep.

I’m already a Rockstar!

Picture this: I’m walking quickly down the for once empty hallway. Students are all tucked into their classes, diligently working on their assignments…

All of a sudden, I hear this being screamed at me:

“MRS. CRUMPETT! YOUR HAIR!”

I turn, there’s no one there. However, I recognize the dulcet tones and know from whence this screech came…

Student: Miss! You painted your hair!

Me (grinning): No, I had it dyed. (Snickers from the rest of the class.)

Student: Let me touch it… I mean, let me look at it! (pause) Why didn’t you get that white stripe in the front?? Oh, you didn’t want to be too rockstar…

Me: Dude, I’m already a rockstar.

 

Today’s Commute

Dear Attractive Man in the White Sedan:

The gusto in which you gouged your nose gave me pause, but as the red light continued so that you could accomplish your goal, I could only be impressed by your perseverance. This dedication is a quality that must endear you to the ladies; however, I noticed you don’t wear a ring… Weird.

Sincerely,
A Fellow Motorist

Holiday Travels

Student: How was your break, Miss?

Me: It was good, how was yours?

Student: I went to Russia.

Me (incredulous): Russia?!

Student (simply): Yeah.

Me (with a small smile): What did you do in Russia?

Student (very matter-of-factly): I visited my grandfather.

Me: How is your grandfather?

Student (with some sadness): He is fine, fighting in their war.

Me: What war?

Student: A civil war against Roocane.

Me (biting back a grin): Do you mean Ukraine?