True stories from an urban educator
Assignment: Create a professional “About me” presentation that shows creativity and is school-appropriate.
Student presentations today:
Muthafucka this and muthafucka that
I finna do this or that, aiight?
i wan togo to collage
Bitch please
i ca — oh wait, that should be can
I didn’t know it was due today
Student grade expectation: A’s and B’s 
Teacher expression during today’s presentation:
Student to another student:
You think you’re hot shit, but you’re not even a fart.
My most advanced math class bombed their first quiz. Which was over a review concept. That we’d been reviewing for over a month. 
But I’m not annoyed at all. And you know I’m not bitter because I want to include a Calvin and Hobbes comic to my announcement slide for tomorrow… they have until Friday to turn in their quiz corrections.
Which do you think would be the best choice?
Me: We have two new kids in class today. What could you all who’ve had me before share with them that they need to know to be successful here?
Student responses: “She will hit you.” “She is not sarcastic at all.” “Watch out for her terminator arm!” “She’s not scary, she’s terrifying!” “Do not, and I mean DO NOT come between her and her coffee.”
Me: 
Me (after a pregnant pause): 
OMG! How about advice on how to pass this class?!
Every student: Oh, just do your work and don’t be disruptive.
Me (in my head): Why the @#$% was that so @#$%ing hard?!
Also me (in my head): 
and I call myself a veteran teacher…
Student: What is this song??
Me (
): You don’t know this song? It’s 2 Legit to Quit!
Student: (gives me a completely blank look)
Me (
): You know, M.C. Hammer’s song? Who can do his dance?
Class: (Blank looks)
Me (
): Get out of my class.
“Hey Miss, why is a graphing calculator called a graphing calculator? Is it because it, you know, graphs or something?”
2017 Grad: I’m glad to see you’re still taking care of yourself.
Me:
2017 Grad: You know when you don’t see someone for years and years* and then you see them and they look the same and you’re surprised because you thought they’d’ve fallen apart by now?
Me: Uh… thank you?
Student: How is your day going?
Me: Meh, it’s okay.
Student (gives me a hug): Just remember that you’re like my 3rd or 4th favorite teacher, that should help.
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fresh hell trumps stale heaven
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The Crumpett Files 