Teacher Problems

Seeing a full moon Sunday night:

Most people: “Oh how beautiful!”
Teachers: “Shit’s about to get real!”


It Never Was a Secret

Me: I have something I need to tell you.
Student 1: You’re pregnant.
Me: What?! Why would that be the thing I need to tell you?!
Student 1: Well, you love us.
Me: True, but wait a minute… yesterday, you said I was getting smaller and now you think I’m pregnant?!
Student 1: Hey, stranger things have happened.
Me: OK, let’s try it this way. I have some bad news–
Student 2: You have cancer!
Student 3: Hey, don’t put that out there!
Me: No, I don’t have cancer, geez.
Student 2: WHAT IS IT MISS????
Me: Guys, I hate to tell you this, but I’m not perfect…
Student 3: DUH!!
Student 2 (not impressed): THAT’S what you wanted to tell us?!
Student 1: No one’s perfect.
Student 4: We all know you’re not perfect, Miss.


New Fan

Me (listening to “You make me feel like a Natural Woman”)
Student (walking in the room right before lunch is over) Who is singing?
Me: Aretha Franklin
Student: Hmmm. (pause) She has a really good voice.
Me: She’s the Queen of Soul.
Student: Really? I’ll have to check her out.

Teacher Problems

Here’s another installment in “What I wish I’d said” (but was too tired to think quickly):

Student: (furious about leaving, something like) I don’t have to listen to you slut ho.

Me: If only that were true, I’d definitely have more money. Teachers get paid diddly.

Duct Tape

(Last hour of the day, student gets a splinter playing with a yard stick that I’d asked him repeatedly to put away)

Me: I can use this thumbtack to pick it out, [he freaks out] or you can use it on your own…

Colleague 1 (after some googling): It says here that you can use duct tape to remove a splinter.

Me (left room to look for some duct tape, to Colleague 2): Do we have any duct tape?

Colleague 2 (surprised laugh): No… who are you trying to tape down?!

Me (to colleague 2, enigmatic smile): Oh well. (as I walk away, mentally adding massive amounts of duct tape to my grocery list lol [jk])

Haters Gonna Hate

Yesterday morning, one of my students put his hand on my shoulder and said “thank you” for something I helped him with…

Me (smiling): So, you don’t hate me anymore??
Student (surprised): I don’t hate you, I never hated you.
Me: How soon we forget that you told me many times that you hated me!
Student (nods in acknowledgement, a little ashamed): I don’t hate you anymore.

This made my day for two reasons.
1.) It’s always nice when one less person hates you.
2.) This particular student was the first and only white kid to ever call me a “cracker bitch” (and he did so repeatedly). I feel like this is progress, indeed!