True stories from an urban educator
Student: I think I want to go to <College Name>…
Me: It’s a good school.
Student: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, but it’s kinda in the country… are you sure you want to go to school with country boys?
Student (horribly offended): MISS, I AM NOT GAY!!
Me: Whoa! Why does everything have to be about sex with you?!
Student: (laughed and shrugged)
Me (sarcastically): Would you prefer it if I called them country people??
Student (thoughtfully): Yeah. Yeah, I think that’d be good.
At the end of the day today, I really had to pee and I wanted to make it there before class got out because that’s always a madhouse… so I booked it down the hallway and rushed into the bathroom only to be greeted by three of my seniors who were obviously just chilling. I’m still walking fast, but was visibly surprised to see them.
Me: Um, hello ladies.
In unison (very cheerfully): Hi Mrs. Crumpett!
Me: Sooo… What are you doing?
Student 1: Just waiting for class to get out.
Me: You are not supposed to be in here.
Student 2: We know…
But they wouldn’t leave, and I didn’t have time to usher them out first, so…
Me (rushing into the stall): Well, this isn’t awkward at all…
Student 3 (very politely): Oh, would you like us to turn the water on for you?
Someone turned on the faucet.
We ended up having a very detailed conversation about how hot the water was today (water is still running). This is big news as it’s usually ice cold.
Me (now washing my hands): I’m so glad you stayed in here with me, making sure I have warm water, and keeping me safe from being jumped by thugs.
In unison: (laughter)
Student: Miss, will you help me with this? (hands me a Police Cadet application, points to the ‘Your Strengths’ section)
Me: Sure!
Student: I don’t know what to put here…
Me: Well, you have good people skills, have a good work ethic… what else are your strengths?
Student: Um, I don’t have as bad anger problems anymore…
Me: OK, let’s make it sound like you don’t have anger problems, k?
Student: (laughing)
Me: What about, ‘Calm under pressure’?
<We fill out the rest of his application, and at the end I picked up papers from the printer…>
Me: (kind of yelling, slammed papers on the table) WHAT THE HECK?! THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!
Student: (Starring, stunned for a moment)
Me (still kind of yelling): Ugh!! Everything printed “Landscape” instead of “Portrait” and so took up twice as much paper. I HATE THIS COMPUTER!
Student: (Now trying to smother laughter)
Me (with a quirked brow): Yeah, I don’t have anger problems, either!
Me (to fraternal twins): So, which one of you is older?
Twin 1: We’re not the same age.
Me: I know, which of you is older? By 5 minutes? An hour? What?
Twin 2: No, really, Miss, we’re not really twins!
Me: What? I’m confused… both your birthday’s say September 11th…
Twin 1: Yeah, they got that wrong.
Me: Guys, I know you’re lying…
Twin 1: Yeah, but we were born at the same time, though.
Me (rolling my eyes): No, you weren’t.
Twin 2: But we were. We’re exactly the same age. When we were younger, we looked the same, too.
Twin 1: He’s telling the truth, Mrs. Crumpett.
Me: Whatever, it’s impossible for you to be born at the same time!
Twin 2: Nuh uh, exactly the same.
Me: I don’t think that’s physically possible…
Twin 2: Well, it is.
Me: (a little exasperated) Two babies cannot fit through a vagina at the same time.
Twin 1: Mrs. Crumpett, she had a c-section…
Me (taken aback, a little impressed that he’d outwitted me): Really? Oh, that kind of makes sense… but still, I don’t think both babies get taken out at the same time.
Twin 2 (with pity in his eyes): Miss, I’m two minutes older.
Student: So, what college do you think I can go to?
Me: You can go where ever.
Student: No, I can’t. I don’t have the grades.
Me: Well, you have two years to improve your GPA…
Student: True.
Me: So, where do you want to go?
Student: I don’t want to go to KU.
Me (laughing): OK, but where do you want to go?
Student: Do you think I could go to [local college]?
Me: Sure.
Student: What about [not as local college]?
Me: Why not?
Student (lists half a dozen more schools)
Me: Yes. You can go to any of those places if you want!
Student (suddenly SUPER pissed): But I can’t go to Harvard!!!
Me (taken aback): But… do you even want to go to Harvard?!
Student: Nah.
We’re studying Eaters of the Dead and Beowulf and one of my kiddos emailed me tonight “I am watching a show that can give us a feeling for how the Vikings lived. You should check it out, it is called The Legend of Mick Dodge.” #TeachingWin
One day in early Spring, someone added tuna and sardines to the downstairs ventilation system. It was an…aromatic…senior prank I won’t soon forget.
“Well, my chest area is more sexual than yours.”
Student (laughing, pointing to his phone): Miss, Miss! You want to see something funny? It’s really funny, but really gross!
Me (skeptical): Is it really funny?
Student (laughing harder): Yes! It’s funny, but gross.
Me: It doesn’t sound appropriate…
Student (still laughing): Well…
Me (eyebrow raised): If it has anything to do with body parts, I’m not interested.
Student (suddenly stops laughing): Nevermind.
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The Crumpett Files 