My Mission!

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Birds

[after a long discussion about how chickens freak me out and that I really don’t like birds in general]

Student 1: How can you not like birds?

Me: I just don’t.  They’re OK to look at from a distance, you know, with glass separating us.

Student 2: You don’t like any birds?

Me: Nope.

Student 3: What about ducks?

Me: Nope.

Student 4: Even doves?

Me: Are doves birds?

Student 4: Yes.

Me: Then no.

Student 5: What about parrots?

Me: (raised eyebrows)

Student 5: Everybody likes parrots.

Class: (looking at me expectantly)

Me: (Shake my head)

Student 5: You’d like MY parrot.

Me: Probably not.

Student 6: What if I brought in a bird, you know, like an eagle or something.

Me: I’d leave.

[slight lull in the conversation]

Student 7: (raises his hand)

Me (after a sigh): Yes?

Student 7: What about owls?

What two teachers talk about late at night while driving home after too much Chinese buffet

Her: You know what you should do after you retire, you know when you’re 97 years old?

Me: What?

Her: You should start doing some crazy stuff–

Me: I think that’ll happen before I’m 97…

Her: Like writing up kids for breathing and bringing their pencils to class.

Me: (big grin)

Her: You should totally write up [Student who is fastidiously punctual] for being three minutes early.  Block him from entering the room and say, “This is totally unacceptable, you need to leave.  Class starts at 7:25, not 7:22.”

Me: (laughing) And the next day when he comes in on time, his usual grumpy self, I’ll immediately call security because I just can’t have that much positivity and happiness in one room.

Slight exaggeration

I asked my student to hand over his phone before I gave him a pass to the bathroom. He told me that he’d accidentally broken it last night.

I jumped up and with a big grin, danced around the room singing the Hallelujah! chorus. OK, slight exaggeration, but he was mystified as to why I was so ecstatic about his misfortune.

A New Kind of Baseball?

Me (point to the right): What’s that on your neck?

Student (pointing to the left): This?

Me: No, the other side.

Student: This? Oh nothing.

Me: Nothing?

Student: Yeah, I think I got it playing baseball.

Me: If you got a hickey playing baseball, I think you’re doing it wrong.

You can still have children

Right before lunch, there was a commotion right outside my classroom. I stepped outside to investigate just in time to see one young man back hand his friend’s crotch.

The friend (one of my students) went down to one knee, to the joy of the crowd that had formed, but was clearly not really hurt. It was so not what I was expecting to see, so I had to smother a smile.

As I am composing myself, my student managed to stand up and started to go after his friend, I stepped between them and he stepped around me. He then pointed his finger at his friend and growled, “If someday I cannot have babies, I will come after you.”

I looked at him and said without a trace of a smile, “He did not hit you hard enough to prevent you from having children; please return to class.”

 

The Bathroom Pass Ruse

So as I was walking past the girls bathroom, one of my seniors emerged looking confused:

Her (head cocked to one side): Hi Miss.

Me: Good morning, are you alright?

Her (slowly): Yeah… I lost my bathroom pass.

Me: Are you sure?

Her (more confused): Yeah, it’s not where I put it.  It’s this big wooden plank that has Mrs. ——‘s on it.  I know I brought it in, but I left it on the sink when I went into the stall…

Me: That’s weird.

Her (Nodding): Will you help me look for it?

I follow her back into the bathroom, then suddenly I grabbed her arm:

Me (faked worried-horrified expression): Wait! You’re not using this as a ruse to beat me up in the bathroom, are you?!

Her (mortified): NO! Why would I– (then she saw my smile and chuckled weakly)