Feeling Battle-Scarred and Victorious

The (very macho) screams you just heard came from me after half a bottle of hairspray didn’t kill this sucker that was chilling on my ceiling. (I wasn’t about to walk under it to get to my kitchen where I keep the bug spray.)

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I had to roll up a magazine and go Rambo on its Andre the Giant-sized ass and LeBron James-length legs.

There’s a cloud of “light hold staying spray” making it difficult to breath right now, but suffocating after an asthma attack is a small price to pay after a battle royale against a grasshopper-spider-daddylonglegs-freak of nature that infiltrated my Castle of Solitude.

Birds

[after a long discussion about how chickens freak me out and that I really don’t like birds in general]

Student 1: How can you not like birds?

Me: I just don’t.  They’re OK to look at from a distance, you know, with glass separating us.

Student 2: You don’t like any birds?

Me: Nope.

Student 3: What about ducks?

Me: Nope.

Student 4: Even doves?

Me: Are doves birds?

Student 4: Yes.

Me: Then no.

Student 5: What about parrots?

Me: (raised eyebrows)

Student 5: Everybody likes parrots.

Class: (looking at me expectantly)

Me: (Shake my head)

Student 5: You’d like MY parrot.

Me: Probably not.

Student 6: What if I brought in a bird, you know, like an eagle or something.

Me: I’d leave.

[slight lull in the conversation]

Student 7: (raises his hand)

Me (after a sigh): Yes?

Student 7: What about owls?

What two teachers talk about late at night while driving home after too much Chinese buffet

Her: You know what you should do after you retire, you know when you’re 97 years old?

Me: What?

Her: You should start doing some crazy stuff–

Me: I think that’ll happen before I’m 97…

Her: Like writing up kids for breathing and bringing their pencils to class.

Me: (big grin)

Her: You should totally write up [Student who is fastidiously punctual] for being three minutes early.  Block him from entering the room and say, “This is totally unacceptable, you need to leave.  Class starts at 7:25, not 7:22.”

Me: (laughing) And the next day when he comes in on time, his usual grumpy self, I’ll immediately call security because I just can’t have that much positivity and happiness in one room.

Slight exaggeration

I asked my student to hand over his phone before I gave him a pass to the bathroom. He told me that he’d accidentally broken it last night.

I jumped up and with a big grin, danced around the room singing the Hallelujah! chorus. OK, slight exaggeration, but he was mystified as to why I was so ecstatic about his misfortune.